the problem with blogging

I remember the first time I started this whole online "journal" thing it was like I found the golden ticket to meaningful mind dumping. Unfortunately, I soon realized that like most forms of electronic correspondence, this can easily translate to babble or really. bad. writing.

In addition to general negligence, I think part of my reluctance to write here is the ever present anxiety that comes with being vulnerable to an unknown audience. Context is so crucial when writing about anything meaningful that it can be the difference between generating incendiary remarks and constructive dialogue. I had a wake-up call a couple summers ago when one of my former co-workers said that my summer job boss came across one of my blog entries about my work experience. Of course, it was pretty much a harmless, feel-good post at the time but it has made me much more wary of the type of things that I talk about.

Still, in weighing the pros and cons of spilling out details of my life on the internets, I have decided that I would like to make a more concerted effort in keeping this thing going. This doesn't necessarily mean I'll be posting about that girl that I'm currently dating (because if I did, it would be, among other things, a total fabrication at this point) or like a twitter account.

Another reason for starting anew is that I will most certainly always find myself behind when it comes to corresponding to people individually (email, phone calls, etc). For those of you to who are waiting (or have given up on reaching me), my lack of responses have been due in part to a paucity of words these last few months. I find that especially this past year, written words are hard to come by. I won't blame school on this one but there is something about a style of learning that embraces study books and bullet point memorization that has squashed my expressiveness. Even when I journal on occasion, mind dumping comes at a much reduced flow rate and with much higher resistance--a "literary constipation" if you will.

So where to begin? I have finished my second year of medical school and am preparing for national examinations on the 24th. I won't bore you with all the details, but I have lost count of how many times I have asked myself if medicine is really for me. School starts almost immediately after boards and as of now, I am giving myself another year before taking any drastic action.

I have occasionally found myself at church on Sunday mornings, but usually sneaking out pretty soon after. It's been a unique experience for me in terms of the interactions I've had with the people there. The church is small enough that everyone is aware of me, but I think three of them actually have spoken to me or know my name. I recall the weekend of Palm Sunday where they were handing out palms during the last song of the service and one of the ushers got to my row with the palms (I was the only one in that row), stared at me somewhat awkwardly, and then moved on to the next row. The couple in front me of me actually got a palm for me, but looking back, I think this epitomized the type of detached relationship I've had with this congregation. Considering that the church is so small, I'm sure I am known as "that Asian guy that sporadically shows up."