I've been admittedly poor about updating this thing and I'm not sure who still reads this. This will probably be the easiest medium to write to the largest number of people, and since I've come to realize that my one email to one person ratio is becoming increasingly impossible, I'll have to settle for this. Hey, at least I haven't settled for constant one liners on Facebook.
Concerning this whole keeping in touch thing, I've realized that the combination of my introversion with the excuse called school has provided a ripe environment for scarce updates. I'll do what I can in the next few months leading up to boards (another wonderful excuse) and see how it goes.
I just had my History OSCE this morning which is an examination of our history taking skills. Aside from running out of time at one of the stations (I didn't get a chance to take the woman's temperature), I was able to get through each patient with varying degrees of accuracy. I realized sometime in the last few days that it will be difficult for me to really polish any sort of bedside manner until I've become comfortable enough with the basic skills involved in history/physical exams. I find that I either spend too much time trying to be friendly that I overlook certain details or that I become too business like to really crack a smile of some sort. And, I'm okay with that for now, because, I need to get good good at figuring out what's going on with the patient before trying to show them what an awesome person I am.
Second year has been admittedly difficult in terms of learning large amounts of material. Part of that is discipline, and part of it is trying to figure what's really important. I've been fortunate to have some friends here without whose help I could be really struggling--even more than I am now. I these last few years have taught me anything, it's that I've become more comfortable finding help.
I'm currently waiting to find out where I'll be doing 3rd year. I signed up to do my rotations in a rural community somewhere in Illinois. The pros are that I would have a specific preceptor who i work with (Family Med) on a day in day out basis, and that I would get a lot more hands on learning which I am finding is much more effective for me. I'm even finding that my most effective learning this year has come from discussing topics with friends and that my efficiency from reading has quite literally gone down the tubes (scary).
At the same time, I am also wary of moving to an even smaller town especially since my time in Peoria has been a mix of both lonely at times and busy. Of course if I got to know the people there and found a niche, it could be great. Many possibilities. I'm supposed to hear back about whether there will be enough spots to do this next year. Either way, I've come to a certain degree of peace about the whole situation, even if I can't completely understand it.
I'm thinking primary care, but am also interested in medicine. There is a part of me that thinks that I would need to work even harder if I were to go into primary care precisely because it is the gateway from which all referrals are made. Specialists (at least in medicine) seem to have a more focused spectrum of topics to deal with. This kind of makes things exciting, but given my ability to grasp material this year, it's also intimidating. As for surgery, I'll just wait till next year.
It goes without saying but I miss the familiar faces whether it's family or old friends. I know that it becomes harder to really get to know people as one gets older. I am not in any hurry to date anyone but I acknowledge the perks of having a lifelong companion. I realize that there's still so much to learn when it comes people and that I have a tendency to want to fit people into stereotypes not simply because it simplify things, but because somehow it becomes a sort of stabilizing pillar in my attempt to make sense of the world around me. With my parents in California and one of my sisters soon to be moving to Hong Kong for a couple years, I have been increasingly aware of my solitude (even if it is only a perceived one) and no doubt that this has contributed to this loneliness.
As for my faith in God, that continues to be a sort of mystery. I wish things could be much simpler in this regard. If it is not possible to straddle the fence, then i do not know where I am. I am well aware of my own limitations, as well as other peoples limitation, and I know that I can never fully depend either on own strength nor on the infallibility of otehrs. If God is that stabilizing force (and much more I presume), then I can only trust that he will find me in all of this.
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