Dual personality and week-end reflections

I'm still jumping between Xanga and Blogger. Most of the people that I might write for still live in Xanga-land. Comparatively, the blogger world seems to be a vast expanse of unknown people. Someday, I'll have to make a decision.

Had a little more time this week than usual (or perhaps I made a little more time this week). Caught up with friends here and there and, in the process, remember God's goodness to me over the past few years. Next year is still in limbo and, at this point, even when med-schools come back in March or April, I know things won't be any less straightforward.

In the meantime, it's time spent with people. It's hard not to think about the past whenever I spend time with people in the present. It's been like watching a movie where every scene is supersaturated with flashbacks. Whether it's sitting in a brother's room reading for class or heating up Trader Joe's Mandarin Chicken and steaming some zucchini while chatting with another friend or playing Scrabble with a cousin who just happens to be a school friend as well (heck, I even got to play outdated video games with a buddy too), all these moments remind me that this phase in life is ending quickly and that schoolwork, career choices, and everything else that comes with growing up are all fine and good, but not terribly important at this point in time.

In John 14, Jesus's disciples ask him three things.

"Lord, we do not know where you are going. How can we know the way?" (v.5)
"Lord, show us the Father, and it is enough for us." (v. 8)
"Lord, how is it that you will manifest yourself to us, and not the world?" (v. 22)

How does Jesus comfort them?
He tells them that he is the way, the truth, and the life; he tells them that whoever has seen him has seen the Father; and he tells them that the Holy Spirit will teach them all things help them remember everything that Jesus has told them. It's the Trinity at work. And the work is good.

The disciples are worried about the future because they are uncertain as to how God will provide for them. Jesus tells them that his departure to the cross, to the grave, and to his Father are the means by which their future will be secured. Rejoice because "peace I leave with you, my peace I give to you. Not as the world gives do I give to you. Let not your hearts be troubled, neither let them be afraid" (v. 27). Does that mean the disciples know where they will go tomorrow or what they will be doing ten years from now? Of course not. But, what Jesus does tell them is that they will not be alone as they strive to obey his commandment to love one another as Christ has loved them. As Christ reminds them in chapter 16, he says these things so that they "may have peace" because he has "overcome the world."

This past week also reminded me that I have still have time left for the school year so I'll try to make the most of it. I'll take things as they come. I'll trust God with the decision-making process.

But as these past few years have taught with regards to maturing in my faith, it'll take time.

Remind me

Remind me of the day when I first woke up,
A little dazed, a little clumsy, but happy to be alive.

Remind me that though the destination is not the road itself,
the road is part of the destination.

Remind me that for every slip up, 'fess up, hiccup I make,
life through death,
resurrection through sacrifice
shall daily, more and more, suffice.

Remind me in the gathering around the table,
communal, ceremonial, and celebratory,
is a frame in the film,
and the film itself is glorious.

And the filmmaker, well,
he's been beaming since day one.

thoughts from today

1. I don't like excessive psychoanalysis of literary characters who really don't deserve such mutilation of their character.

2. Shuttles are great when it's cold outside. Public libraries are even better.

3. Food that I don't have to cook is good, especially when you can eat it with other people.

4. The only solution to lots of reading is lots of reading.

5. Trying to reconcile my past with the present, as with my understanding of the Christian life, is often undesirably tiresome and repetitious in nature.

6. Chopin's Scherzo No. 1 will be a nice senior year piece.

A Thought During Chinese Class

One of new vocab words for Chinese today was "tian-zhen" or innocence. We spent a good 20 minutes discussing if children were really innocent.

What I wonder is, in the strictest sense, there really a difference between innocence and ignorance?

Blogs and Classes and Cold

blogs can be like a special letter to an close friend.
And that close friend is, quite simply, everyone.

Classes so far this semester seem to be shaping up:

Science of Sleep
Chinese III (Yeah, interchangeable section times)
Issues in the History of American Medicine
19th century Russian Novel (Writing Intensive and, imho, Reading intensive)
Problems in Philosophy (eww...sacrifices must be made)

Currently: on the butt end of St. Louis schizophrenic weather

?

Lately, I've been wondering: Is there no room for doubt and disbelief in Christianity today?
It is an unsettling question, but it is one that has permeated this college experience.

Star Screaming

Don't let the title deceive. There is far too much emotion packed in those two words; I may be falsely advertising.

I keep insisting that there is much for which to be thankful. Too much. Recognition is not the problem. I can be happy for other people regardless of whether or not I am happy for myself.

But about the latter, I am not. Perhaps I sin in feeling thus.

Did you ever walk alone at night spurning the same stars that you, just yesterday, longed to embrace? The curses you yell are not those that come in sound but in brain waves. These are frequencies that no one else can hear, that one else wants to hear, especially yourself.

So I wrap myself, comfort myself in silence. At least that's what I want to call it. Of course, it's not.

I want to care about others, but it is difficult. I don't care that this person has this test or that deadline, this struggle or that pain--"get over it," I think to myself. Because that's what I need to do. But I can't.

There is a lot of negativity in my statements. I am obsessed with what I cannot, won't, have not done. Even reproducing words creates a sea of pessimism.

Raymond continues to call me. He seems to be the typhoon of optimism. "Have your best day yet" his answering machine says.

Aunt Grace once reprimanded me for being overly uncertain. That's a nice way of putting it. I will grant that she was right. Ah, but it is so hard.

I would like nothing more than to have another not only understand me but in one stroke push me onward, backward, or perhaps straight into the ground. It's not a morbid thought at all--quite reassuring.

The bottom line, for now, is that I spurn the gradients in my life--it is the curse of being imperfectly well-rounded, deficiently one-sided.
Just as grades cannot possibly be the only indicator of interest, vocation or calling, so too would I argue that constantly pursuing studies in an area that is superficially interesting but empty to my soul is just as vaporous.

Do I see myself in the projects of France? In the pulpit of a church? In a chair at the office?

Too many questions for tonight.

Let me pray more yet.