I remember the first time I started this whole online "journal" thing it was like I found the golden ticket to meaningful mind dumping. Unfortunately, I soon realized that like most forms of electronic correspondence, this can easily translate to babble or really. bad. writing.
In addition to general negligence, I think part of my reluctance to write here is the ever present anxiety that comes with being vulnerable to an unknown audience. Context is so crucial when writing about anything meaningful that it can be the difference between generating incendiary remarks and constructive dialogue. I had a wake-up call a couple summers ago when one of my former co-workers said that my summer job boss came across one of my blog entries about my work experience. Of course, it was pretty much a harmless, feel-good post at the time but it has made me much more wary of the type of things that I talk about.
Still, in weighing the pros and cons of spilling out details of my life on the internets, I have decided that I would like to make a more concerted effort in keeping this thing going. This doesn't necessarily mean I'll be posting about that girl that I'm currently dating (because if I did, it would be, among other things, a total fabrication at this point) or like a twitter account.
Another reason for starting anew is that I will most certainly always find myself behind when it comes to corresponding to people individually (email, phone calls, etc). For those of you to who are waiting (or have given up on reaching me), my lack of responses have been due in part to a paucity of words these last few months. I find that especially this past year, written words are hard to come by. I won't blame school on this one but there is something about a style of learning that embraces study books and bullet point memorization that has squashed my expressiveness. Even when I journal on occasion, mind dumping comes at a much reduced flow rate and with much higher resistance--a "literary constipation" if you will.
So where to begin? I have finished my second year of medical school and am preparing for national examinations on the 24th. I won't bore you with all the details, but I have lost count of how many times I have asked myself if medicine is really for me. School starts almost immediately after boards and as of now, I am giving myself another year before taking any drastic action.
I have occasionally found myself at church on Sunday mornings, but usually sneaking out pretty soon after. It's been a unique experience for me in terms of the interactions I've had with the people there. The church is small enough that everyone is aware of me, but I think three of them actually have spoken to me or know my name. I recall the weekend of Palm Sunday where they were handing out palms during the last song of the service and one of the ushers got to my row with the palms (I was the only one in that row), stared at me somewhat awkwardly, and then moved on to the next row. The couple in front me of me actually got a palm for me, but looking back, I think this epitomized the type of detached relationship I've had with this congregation. Considering that the church is so small, I'm sure I am known as "that Asian guy that sporadically shows up."
Monday, June 14, 2010
Tuesday, February 9, 2010
hello, there, still in Peoria...quite so.
I've been admittedly poor about updating this thing and I'm not sure who still reads this. This will probably be the easiest medium to write to the largest number of people, and since I've come to realize that my one email to one person ratio is becoming increasingly impossible, I'll have to settle for this. Hey, at least I haven't settled for constant one liners on Facebook.
Concerning this whole keeping in touch thing, I've realized that the combination of my introversion with the excuse called school has provided a ripe environment for scarce updates. I'll do what I can in the next few months leading up to boards (another wonderful excuse) and see how it goes.
I just had my History OSCE this morning which is an examination of our history taking skills. Aside from running out of time at one of the stations (I didn't get a chance to take the woman's temperature), I was able to get through each patient with varying degrees of accuracy. I realized sometime in the last few days that it will be difficult for me to really polish any sort of bedside manner until I've become comfortable enough with the basic skills involved in history/physical exams. I find that I either spend too much time trying to be friendly that I overlook certain details or that I become too business like to really crack a smile of some sort. And, I'm okay with that for now, because, I need to get good good at figuring out what's going on with the patient before trying to show them what an awesome person I am.
Second year has been admittedly difficult in terms of learning large amounts of material. Part of that is discipline, and part of it is trying to figure what's really important. I've been fortunate to have some friends here without whose help I could be really struggling--even more than I am now. I these last few years have taught me anything, it's that I've become more comfortable finding help.
I'm currently waiting to find out where I'll be doing 3rd year. I signed up to do my rotations in a rural community somewhere in Illinois. The pros are that I would have a specific preceptor who i work with (Family Med) on a day in day out basis, and that I would get a lot more hands on learning which I am finding is much more effective for me. I'm even finding that my most effective learning this year has come from discussing topics with friends and that my efficiency from reading has quite literally gone down the tubes (scary).
At the same time, I am also wary of moving to an even smaller town especially since my time in Peoria has been a mix of both lonely at times and busy. Of course if I got to know the people there and found a niche, it could be great. Many possibilities. I'm supposed to hear back about whether there will be enough spots to do this next year. Either way, I've come to a certain degree of peace about the whole situation, even if I can't completely understand it.
I'm thinking primary care, but am also interested in medicine. There is a part of me that thinks that I would need to work even harder if I were to go into primary care precisely because it is the gateway from which all referrals are made. Specialists (at least in medicine) seem to have a more focused spectrum of topics to deal with. This kind of makes things exciting, but given my ability to grasp material this year, it's also intimidating. As for surgery, I'll just wait till next year.
It goes without saying but I miss the familiar faces whether it's family or old friends. I know that it becomes harder to really get to know people as one gets older. I am not in any hurry to date anyone but I acknowledge the perks of having a lifelong companion. I realize that there's still so much to learn when it comes people and that I have a tendency to want to fit people into stereotypes not simply because it simplify things, but because somehow it becomes a sort of stabilizing pillar in my attempt to make sense of the world around me. With my parents in California and one of my sisters soon to be moving to Hong Kong for a couple years, I have been increasingly aware of my solitude (even if it is only a perceived one) and no doubt that this has contributed to this loneliness.
As for my faith in God, that continues to be a sort of mystery. I wish things could be much simpler in this regard. If it is not possible to straddle the fence, then i do not know where I am. I am well aware of my own limitations, as well as other peoples limitation, and I know that I can never fully depend either on own strength nor on the infallibility of otehrs. If God is that stabilizing force (and much more I presume), then I can only trust that he will find me in all of this.
Concerning this whole keeping in touch thing, I've realized that the combination of my introversion with the excuse called school has provided a ripe environment for scarce updates. I'll do what I can in the next few months leading up to boards (another wonderful excuse) and see how it goes.
I just had my History OSCE this morning which is an examination of our history taking skills. Aside from running out of time at one of the stations (I didn't get a chance to take the woman's temperature), I was able to get through each patient with varying degrees of accuracy. I realized sometime in the last few days that it will be difficult for me to really polish any sort of bedside manner until I've become comfortable enough with the basic skills involved in history/physical exams. I find that I either spend too much time trying to be friendly that I overlook certain details or that I become too business like to really crack a smile of some sort. And, I'm okay with that for now, because, I need to get good good at figuring out what's going on with the patient before trying to show them what an awesome person I am.
Second year has been admittedly difficult in terms of learning large amounts of material. Part of that is discipline, and part of it is trying to figure what's really important. I've been fortunate to have some friends here without whose help I could be really struggling--even more than I am now. I these last few years have taught me anything, it's that I've become more comfortable finding help.
I'm currently waiting to find out where I'll be doing 3rd year. I signed up to do my rotations in a rural community somewhere in Illinois. The pros are that I would have a specific preceptor who i work with (Family Med) on a day in day out basis, and that I would get a lot more hands on learning which I am finding is much more effective for me. I'm even finding that my most effective learning this year has come from discussing topics with friends and that my efficiency from reading has quite literally gone down the tubes (scary).
At the same time, I am also wary of moving to an even smaller town especially since my time in Peoria has been a mix of both lonely at times and busy. Of course if I got to know the people there and found a niche, it could be great. Many possibilities. I'm supposed to hear back about whether there will be enough spots to do this next year. Either way, I've come to a certain degree of peace about the whole situation, even if I can't completely understand it.
I'm thinking primary care, but am also interested in medicine. There is a part of me that thinks that I would need to work even harder if I were to go into primary care precisely because it is the gateway from which all referrals are made. Specialists (at least in medicine) seem to have a more focused spectrum of topics to deal with. This kind of makes things exciting, but given my ability to grasp material this year, it's also intimidating. As for surgery, I'll just wait till next year.
It goes without saying but I miss the familiar faces whether it's family or old friends. I know that it becomes harder to really get to know people as one gets older. I am not in any hurry to date anyone but I acknowledge the perks of having a lifelong companion. I realize that there's still so much to learn when it comes people and that I have a tendency to want to fit people into stereotypes not simply because it simplify things, but because somehow it becomes a sort of stabilizing pillar in my attempt to make sense of the world around me. With my parents in California and one of my sisters soon to be moving to Hong Kong for a couple years, I have been increasingly aware of my solitude (even if it is only a perceived one) and no doubt that this has contributed to this loneliness.
As for my faith in God, that continues to be a sort of mystery. I wish things could be much simpler in this regard. If it is not possible to straddle the fence, then i do not know where I am. I am well aware of my own limitations, as well as other peoples limitation, and I know that I can never fully depend either on own strength nor on the infallibility of otehrs. If God is that stabilizing force (and much more I presume), then I can only trust that he will find me in all of this.
Thursday, October 22, 2009
Peoria Two Months In
It is said that it's not good, no matter how pleasant it was, to dwell on the past at the expense of moving on in the present.
Agreed.
However, I find that I will forever be viewing the present with relation to the past, and that I will no doubt try to recreate (but not necessarily duplicate) the pleasant experiences that made just a few years ago, a time to remember for the rest of my life.
A noun, as School House Rock tells us, is a person, place, or thing. Thing is too generic, though, so I will stick to describing the first two.
People:
I realize that the older we get, the more we become the person that we were in our younger years. The insecurities, the sensitivities, the quirks, and the characteristics that define us in other's eyes only become accentuated in social circles. People form an opinion of you and it becomes difficult to change unless you develop significant friendships that give others an in depth understanding of who you are. I have found this to be true of the teachers, classmates, and pretty much everyone else that I have met here.
I also think about the type of people I would like to be around as a physician. The school offers a Rural Preceptor Physician track in our third year for all students (including those not necessarily going into rural). The pros: more individualized attention, more self-driven learning. The cons: small town, primary care emphasis (assuming you're not inclined toward either of those things), 8 monts away from classmates. I don't know if I want to practice rural medicine, but a few months removed from Dixon, this option certainly appeals to me more than it has in the past.
I think about Christians that I have met here. The preceptor I had during my recent primary care immersion week grew up in Africa, went to Wheaton College, did med school here in Peoria, and decided to practice urban medicine here. His children are/were homeschooled and they attend a non-denominational church here in Peoria. He strikes me as caring, a little soft spoken, and, in certain social settings, a little awkward. (I suppose this description could easily be a projection of my self-image but that's an entirely different issue). I went sailing with him and a couple friends last weekend, and the friend that owned the boat gave us all writings that amounted to a testimony and stories of faith. I remember reading them later and thinking to myself, "this is totally something that I could see my mom doing...in Chinese of course."
Places:
I could begin with school. I spend lots of time there everyday. Sometimes I'm awake and sometimes I'm sleeping. Often, I'm somewhere in between. I've been to my friend Jin's parents' restaurant a couple times...it strikes me as the type of place I would go often even if there were other restaurants that had better food simply because familiar faces can make the simplest foods taste better. The pastor at the church I have been attending was kind enough to make a key for me so that I could get access to the church piano whenever I wanted. This has brought back memories of college when 24 hr. access to the music building made life that much sweeter. Speaking of piano, I hope to meet up with one of the music professors at the local university here who says that he may be willing to take me on. My time in medical school has showed me that I am unable to give up the piano...as if there were still so much that I need to learn. .
Agreed.
However, I find that I will forever be viewing the present with relation to the past, and that I will no doubt try to recreate (but not necessarily duplicate) the pleasant experiences that made just a few years ago, a time to remember for the rest of my life.
A noun, as School House Rock tells us, is a person, place, or thing. Thing is too generic, though, so I will stick to describing the first two.
People:
I realize that the older we get, the more we become the person that we were in our younger years. The insecurities, the sensitivities, the quirks, and the characteristics that define us in other's eyes only become accentuated in social circles. People form an opinion of you and it becomes difficult to change unless you develop significant friendships that give others an in depth understanding of who you are. I have found this to be true of the teachers, classmates, and pretty much everyone else that I have met here.
I also think about the type of people I would like to be around as a physician. The school offers a Rural Preceptor Physician track in our third year for all students (including those not necessarily going into rural). The pros: more individualized attention, more self-driven learning. The cons: small town, primary care emphasis (assuming you're not inclined toward either of those things), 8 monts away from classmates. I don't know if I want to practice rural medicine, but a few months removed from Dixon, this option certainly appeals to me more than it has in the past.
I think about Christians that I have met here. The preceptor I had during my recent primary care immersion week grew up in Africa, went to Wheaton College, did med school here in Peoria, and decided to practice urban medicine here. His children are/were homeschooled and they attend a non-denominational church here in Peoria. He strikes me as caring, a little soft spoken, and, in certain social settings, a little awkward. (I suppose this description could easily be a projection of my self-image but that's an entirely different issue). I went sailing with him and a couple friends last weekend, and the friend that owned the boat gave us all writings that amounted to a testimony and stories of faith. I remember reading them later and thinking to myself, "this is totally something that I could see my mom doing...in Chinese of course."
Places:
I could begin with school. I spend lots of time there everyday. Sometimes I'm awake and sometimes I'm sleeping. Often, I'm somewhere in between. I've been to my friend Jin's parents' restaurant a couple times...it strikes me as the type of place I would go often even if there were other restaurants that had better food simply because familiar faces can make the simplest foods taste better. The pastor at the church I have been attending was kind enough to make a key for me so that I could get access to the church piano whenever I wanted. This has brought back memories of college when 24 hr. access to the music building made life that much sweeter. Speaking of piano, I hope to meet up with one of the music professors at the local university here who says that he may be willing to take me on. My time in medical school has showed me that I am unable to give up the piano...as if there were still so much that I need to learn. .
Wednesday, July 22, 2009
End of the Soup Kitchen?
Today, I received an email from Jeff about how the Catholic Worker House is planning on closing down the soup kitchen. The phrase "different priorities" came up in describing the reason for this. I wonder what those different priorities are?
Saturday, July 11, 2009
Weddings!
A good high school friend of mine got married today.
Ah, there's so much I could say about today. I got to stand in a wedding for the first time, and, admittedly, there's something unexplainable about watching a friend stare into the eyes of the love of his life. As Hugo says in Les Miserables, it's one of those moments when the infinite above comes in contact with the infinite below. Hugo uses these words to describe prayer but I'd argue that it's just as applicable when it comes to love.
Bride and Groom
Turns out that I was the only high school friend there which placed me at a wonderful awkward and lonely position considering that most of the young people there were either college friends or part of the extended family. Still, at any given moment, it was hard not to be happy for my friend and it's nice how in celebrating the guests of honor, it becomes much easier to forget momentary discomforts. Plus, it's always fun to hear potentially embarrassing family stories.
Groom and Best Man, the morning of
Wedding Cake-- white, carrot, and chocolate
Rehearsal Dinner-- Hanger Steak
Oak Community Church-- listed as Hinsdale Baptist in my GPS (another one of those denominational drops)
Ah, there's so much I could say about today. I got to stand in a wedding for the first time, and, admittedly, there's something unexplainable about watching a friend stare into the eyes of the love of his life. As Hugo says in Les Miserables, it's one of those moments when the infinite above comes in contact with the infinite below. Hugo uses these words to describe prayer but I'd argue that it's just as applicable when it comes to love.
Bride and Groom
Turns out that I was the only high school friend there which placed me at a wonderful awkward and lonely position considering that most of the young people there were either college friends or part of the extended family. Still, at any given moment, it was hard not to be happy for my friend and it's nice how in celebrating the guests of honor, it becomes much easier to forget momentary discomforts. Plus, it's always fun to hear potentially embarrassing family stories.
Groom and Best Man, the morning of
Wedding Cake-- white, carrot, and chocolate
Rehearsal Dinner-- Hanger Steak
Oak Community Church-- listed as Hinsdale Baptist in my GPS (another one of those denominational drops)
Monday, July 6, 2009
Closing Thoughts and Miscellaneous Pics
Today, I was able to spend some time with an Internist, and, by chance, essentially got to spend time in all the other departments that I hadn't had a chance to spend time in before. This was because Dr. Khan was covering for two other Internists and was in ER-backup call. So, I ended up spending time in the ICU, and Med/Surg floors while also seeing a code blue down in the ER.
I had a fantastic time partly because Dr. Khan was an excellent teacher and he took the initiative to go over history taking and pointing important things along the way. It turns out that he just joined the volunteer faculty for Peoria for 3rd years, which means that should I want to come back to Dixon, I could request him as a preceptor. Dr. Khan did his US residency at Cook County Hospital in Chicago (Now Stroger) in 1991 and so he probably falls into the old-school breed of physicians. I think patients like him because he is very clear, very direct and assertive, and explains everything thoroughly (as evidence to his complete med-student like histories which usually take up at least three pages when transcribed). He has a remarkable mind and doesn't need to write any of his patient's data down when he takes histories. I spent time with Dr. Khan both in the clinic and in the hospital, and if I hadn't checked out at 9 pm, I would have also ended up in psychiatry with him. We even went to a physicians meeting that lasted all of 30 seconds when we finally got there (they needed a quarum to vote on some issue).
Regarding one patient Dr. Khan made an interesting point. "This patient is so thankful and says that I have saved her life five or six times. That's nice, but I don't think I am saving her life. I am just doing my job." Even though it sounded kind of strange at first, I realized then just how much the man loved what he did.
Petunia Festival
Every year, as part of the Fourth of July festivities, the people of Dixon have their "Taste of Chicago"-like event . I happened to go on the first day of festivities so there wasn't too much going on since the carnival part hadn't opened up, but as you would expect at an event like this, there was an assortment of overpriced food vendors and kiddie entertainment
The event took place right by Dixon high school (pictured above) which looks more like a castle than a school. I hear that it's not the best school district (of course this was told to me by a doc who was responding to my comment that his eldest college-bound son was probably a pretty bright kid).
One of the "games" there was this nifty contraption. Yes, that's a toilet on top.
As my contribution to the Dixon economy, I purchased this 10'' Italian Sausage for 7.00 (which isn't all that bad for an event like this) but my stomach was questioning the decision beginning from the first bites. Still, after downing a smoothie that was supposed to be a berry blend but tasted like bubble gum instead, I was able to keep things under control.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)